My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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