You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
