No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
