Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I am naked and annoyed.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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