saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
