Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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