Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
