im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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