I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
