Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
