I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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