just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
