Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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