She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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