There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
