Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
