Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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