I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
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You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
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