The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
