I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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