I'm going to jail i love you
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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