mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
