hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
