90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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