I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
