Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
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This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
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I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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