we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
