i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
