Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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