If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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