I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
