Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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