I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
