so explain again why im purple
no
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
