On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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