God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have tasted many bathrooms
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
