We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
