im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
