have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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