Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
