I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
