so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
