I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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