i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
