two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
