I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
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