the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
