I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
