Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.