My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
