jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
