After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
