Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
