finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
