nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Randomize
