You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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